wow i haven't updated in forever. it's not that i've been busy, it's that i've been lazy. i'm so tired all the time lately. i don't get it. i sleep and sleep and sleep yet i still feel tired. ugh maybe i'm dying or something.
so we got a new kitty. she kinda just wandered into our yard. she was infested with fleas and starving. you could feel everyone bone. she probably would've died in a few weeks if we hadn't taken here. she's laying on my lap right now and keeps putting her tail on the laptop, she's such a brat!! but i love her. lol her name is willow and she's my baby.
lately i feel like my life is so... lame. i feel like right now should be the highlight of my life. but it's just not. i'm still doing the small old shit that i've always done. i'm always broke, i'm still working in the same dead end job. i just feel like my life is a dead end life!! and i hate it!! i'm like having a mid life crisis at 21. but i feel so, i dunno. like i'm missing out on something wonderful. yet i can't see what it is that i'm missing. it's like i can smell the cookies baking but i can't figure out where the fuck they are. if that makes any sense. i dunno. i just see everyone away at college in fucking cool ass places meeting cool ass people and i'm just like wtf!! and i feel a tinge of jealous because i'm too shy and quiet to branch out and because i'm too broke to live on campus or to go to a school far away. and i could never in a million years ask for the money to just such a thing. my parents would give anything to make me happy but i can't justify running them into bankrupty just so i can feel like i had a kick-ass "college life" especially right now with economy the way it is. i feel the purse strings tightening. we're trying to figure out how we're going to get me through UCONN, and that's with me still living at home. never mind living on campus forget it. i dunno. i guess i should just get over it. i just need a new fucking job. i love my job and my coworkers. but my bank account hates my job. and frankly the bank account controls my life. lol. so it's time for a change. i dunno. maybe a new job, new school and new goals will help me get rid of this feeling. or maybe just trying to change my attitude will. i just hope i don't look back and go, man i really fucked that part of my life up. you only live once, but sometimes i don't feel like i'm living i just feel like i'm existing. fucking cranky ass customer coming it in with a stick up their ass taking their aggression out on me as i just stand there and take it with a smile. WHAT THE FUCK!! i don't know WHERE the fuck they learned their manners but fuck that. i just can't take it anymore. i'm sick of it. why should i let some shit on me and just take it laying down? anywhere else i wouldn't take that. but when i have that name tag around my neck it's like i lose my idenity. my name tag says my name, but putting it on i lose all respect and that's fucked. ugh. i just need a change and i need it before the holidays, i can't stand one more christmas in retail. i'd rather kill myself.
well i'm sure this update was so full of happiness. ugh. i'm happy but at the same time not. so yeah. i dunno. i just need to new job. really do.

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